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Most of us have been on holiday at some point in our lives but have we made the most of the experience? Whether you go to a caravan in Southend or trek through the Peruvian jungle, you should always make the most of your trip. Below are a few pointers for anybody who is planning to go on holiday.

1. Leave your work at home

I don’t care how much you enjoy your job or how busy and important you are. You have chosen to go on holiday to get away from the monotony of work. If you have already synched your work email account with your iphone then you are a wanker and there is no hope for you. If you haven’t then stay away from all devices that will allow work to contact you. There may be a disaster at work. The phone lines might go down or the computer system might go wrong. If you care about this while you are on holiday, you are a wanker and there is no hope for you.

2. Talk to people

That’s right. Talk to people. People you meet. People you see. People you find interesting. And of course, people you have come away with. That last category is particularly relevant to people who take caravan holidays. If you want to spend two weeks sitting on 4.99 garden furniture in a field just outside Guildford then be my guest but at least say something to the person next to you.

3. Look like you belong there

This applies more to people on more exotic holidays but the best way to get ripped off, swindled or just to attract rude comments, pointing fingers and poorly disguised laughter is to look like a foreign muppet. I’m not saying if you go to Ethiopia you should wear a robe, but equally don’t wear that Mackenzie sweatshirt you bought in Madhouse to wear in Wetherspoons. We’ve all seen foreign tourists in England in their luminous shell suits with mullets billowing majestically in the breeze and bum bags full of cash and sauerkraut. That is what you look like to a Colombian. You in your curry stained Everton shirt with your girlfriend rocking an elegant top shop ‘onesie’ look no different from Helmut Fassbinder in his Global Hypercolour T shirt to a Patagonian.

Going Somewhere – An Australian Adventure