JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at …
CARLOS Tevez has undermined Manchester City’s long term plan to spend whatever it takes to win something.
The striker has blown a hole in the club’s previously bullet-proof theory by being paid an enormous amount of money and then refusing to play.
The Argentinian carnivore enraged manager Roberto Mancini last night when he refused to come on as a substitute during a Champions League match against Bayern Munich, insisting that Man City was not actually a very good team and then offering his services to Bayern coach Jupp Heynckes.
Biting the head off a badger, he added: “I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding but I hate everything about Manchester. And while I am more than happy to sign contracts and take money I never really wanted to play the actual football.
“I know that by setting this precedent it will make it much more difficult for the club to be successful, but like I said, I despise Man City, so fuck them.”
The move is expected to be followed by most of the squad who had not realised until now that they did not actually have to play.
Kolo Toure said: “Thank God for that. Pulling on that powder blue jersey is like dressing up as a sad clown. It makes me hate myself.”
The move has stunned club chiefs who must now go back to the drawing board and begin searching for players who not only want to get paid £200,000 a week but would enjoy playing football for Manchester City while doing so.
Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “I suspect they will now have to trawl the depths of former Liverpool players whose self-loathing is completely maxed out.”
Ridiculing Arsenal to become a hate crime:
ARSENAL are to be granted legal protection from the relentless taunts of opposing fans, it has been confirmed.
The FA has agreed to extend the scope of their Let’s Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign to include a Can Everyone Please Stop Pointing At Koscielny And Giggling section.
Ex footballers will also tour schools to promote a more tolerant attitude toward the team and explain that playing for Arsenal could happen to anybody.
An FA spokesman said: “On the face of it, it’s easy to laugh at Wenger’s crestfallen incomprehension and his magisterial inability to shoulder any of the blame, to titter about the team’s complete absence of backbone and to guffaw at the gulf between them and the top teams they used to compete against.